In the Blink of and Eye

I LOVE YOU SASCHA, GET WELL SOON!!

This year had a very enthusiastic beginning. I started with an optimistic outlook. I lost 40lbs by March. I had been in therapy for 4 months and felt like I might just be able to resolve some of my issues. I was ready to start dating, I was putting myself out there, and I genuinely felt like I could deal with the negatives in my life. I had one of the most fun summers of my life. Vacations, even 30 minutes from my home, were blissful. Yes there were still negative things going on that sometimes made me want to hurl, but overall I was coping. Then in a blink of an eye everything changed. Sascha invited me over to her house because she wanted to talk. I had a work party at my house later so I showed up in my orange skirt and short denim jacket worried about what she wanted and how long it was going to take. I pulled up to see Jayson leaving on his motorcycle and I was instantly irritated. This was the first time I had actually seen him since I knew Sascha was hanging out with him again. Sascha and I walked around the back to watch Tucker play on the swing set and Sascha told me that she went to the doctor because she hadn't been feeling good, that they did a CT Scan and found cancer on three of her organs. I instantly started crying as did she and then we hugged. I think it was the longest hug I have ever given anyone in my whole life. Pat came and took Tucker with her to the store and Sascha and I sat down to talk. I went home and cried so hard. That night when everyone came over to my house we spent most of our time outside, which was good, because I needed to wear sunglasses most of the day. Every couple minutes I would cry and wanted to hide it. It has been 125 days since I found out that Sascha had cancer, I don't think more than an hour passes without me thinking about it. We are 25 years old. Who has to deal with this shit at that age. We are still little kids playing barbies and making up imaginary friends. What the hell. There are 3 articles of clothing I own that I dont think i will ever be able to wear again

1. Blue Shirt w/three snap buttons - an unfortunate thing happened while wearing this shirt, I threw it away
2. Old Navy Gray Sweater - I was wearing this shirt while holding my dying cat
3. My orange skirt

The cherry on top of this big pile of shit is that I think I might quit my job. I work 8 hours 5 days a week. If I am lucky I sleep 10 hours a day which leaves me 6 hours a day to think about how much I hate my job. I love my job, I love what I do, I, as ridiculous as it sounds, I believe that movies and the atmosphere we are trying to create at the theatre actually help people cope. They give people a break from this fast pace world that we live in so they can deal with the day to day. But in the past 3 years the company I work for seems to have employed people who's sole purpose is to destroy the enthusiasm of the people that work there. Personally I think 3 years without raises and the fear of losing their jobs have made people hard, bitter, negative, and way to competitive. It's a negative sour environment that I just don't know I am emotionally capable of dealing with. Since being transferred to the 17 I have switched from working with people that done know how to do their jobs, but cover it up by throwing others under the bus, to working with people that are so competitive and angry they seek to destroy all hope and cheerfulness. My current boss believes that enjoying your job is stupid because "who cares if you have fun at your job, its a job". Personally I feel that at the end of the day a job isn't just a job, its who you are, and if you don't like who you are, first you must change what you do. I don't like this person I have become. I used to care about others, I used to be an amazing listener, I used to be willing to help the stressed out mother with 6 kids that needed a break. Now I just get irritated with peoples problems because they aren't willing to change their situations....if that makes any sense at all. So naturally I have been pondering what I would do. I am too much of a type A personality to do nails, the moneys not consistent, but that also throws out photography, painting, AKA anything artistic, which happens to be what relaxes me the most. So now what do I do. Course anything sounds better than working at the theatre. I am pretty sure I could be happier busing tables or cleaning toilets at this point. All I want is to be happy. Life's to short to work at a job you hate or do anything you hate for that matter. If I didn't have $4000 in credit card debt right now I would have quit already. I would take my sweet sweet time looking for a job and I would sleep 16 hours a day. So lets pray that something changes. Sascha improves, my job gets better or I find a better opportunity, life changes. New Years is 2.5 months away. Its my favorite holiday because its a time for new beginnings, I want to start next year optimistic, not negative. If someone actually reads this damn thing and says anything to the effect of "life is what you make it", "the glass is half full", "your in control of your own attitude"....I will hunt you down and kill you. I know that we cant control the shit that happens to us, but we can control how we react the them. WELL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD....if you're going to pile a truck load of crap on me at least have the courtesy of giving me an air hole.