Jacque Findlay

For a really long time I had been thinking about the direction my life was taking. It wasn't as much religion that was driving me to get closer to God, it was more the desire to have direction in life. I had always believed in God. Knowing whether not he existed and loved me was never an issue. It was feeling worthy of that love. I felt like because I wasn't living in away that would thank him for his sacrifice and guidance, I wasn't worthy to ask for the direction I need. For a very long time, and I mean years, I have felt like (and I use the word 'have' because I still feel this way) there is a very specific reason I am here and whatever it is the path I was on was not going to lead me to it. It was very frustrating not just feeling, but knowing, I was here for a purpose that I wasn't fulfilling. So for a long time I would just live life mostly angry and frustrated mixed in with some temporary happiness. I got so angry about life on a deeper level that every

If you had told me two years ago I would be where I am now I would have called you crazy. It's amazing how much time can change everything...how experiences in life give us a new perspective. How moments can so dramatically change the path we are on. I keep wanting to say "Oh how I have changed in the last year" but really it's been more than a year. Sascha died over a year ago and it feels like just yesterday. Sascha dying is what I thought changed me but really I was changed before that...it just took that dramatic event for me to admit it to myself....even after that dramatic event it took me like 9 months. I dont like talking about religion or my religious views with people. There are a couple reasons for this. 1. People get so upset and opinionated over this stuff...myself included. And I avoid that battle by just not talking about it 2. I felt like a hypocrite saying I believed in a certain thing without really understanding it or studying it. 3. Many faiths, in