The Beginning

For a really long time I had been thinking about the direction my life was taking. It wasn't as much religion that was driving me to get closer to God, it was more the desire to have direction in life. I had always believed in God. Knowing whether not he existed and loved me was never an issue. It was feeling worthy of that love. I felt like because I wasn't living in away that would thank him for his sacrifice and guidance, I wasn't worthy to ask for the direction I need. For a very long time, and I mean years, I have felt like (and I use the word 'have' because I still feel this way) there is a very specific reason I am here and whatever it is the path I was on was not going to lead me to it. It was very frustrating not just feeling, but knowing, I was here for a purpose that I wasn't fulfilling.

So for a long time I would just live life mostly angry and frustrated mixed in with some temporary happiness. I got so angry about life on a deeper level that everything on a superficial level pissed me off. Anything could set me off. Big or small. One day while hanging out with a couple of friends of mine something was said that pissed me off so bad that I left and cried so hard while I was driving on the freeway I had to pullover. I was breathing so hard that my lips started to go numb and that is when I decided I needed someone to complain to. I had great friends willing to listen, but people can only handle so much complaining and I didn't want to spread the anger. So 2.5 years ago I went to a therapist. It was amazing. Paying someone to listen to me complain. I was in heaven. That was the smartest thing I have done. And I guess that would have to be where my life started to change.

As I started to get less angry about life things at work and at home started to get better. But I still had this terrible feeling that I wasn't doing what I need to be doing. Whatever that was...

More time passed and I just kept working on myself. The happier I got the more all areas of my life were effected. I lost a lot of weight and that made me really happy. I got happier for the people around me and the good things that happened in their life. It was good. I was getting more balanced as an individual. Which more and more everyday I understand the importance of balance in EVERY aspect of my life.

So around July (5 months since Sascha passed away) I was going on a year since I have really been wondering whether or not I should go back to church. Everytime I would think about it I would think of all the things I would have to give up if I went back. So much I would have to change. Somethings and habits that have become a regular part of my life. That thought terrified me. I would literally be a different person. So the argument that kept going around in my head is that yes, I know the church is true. Just because I don't know every piece of doctrine doesn't mean I doubted the truth of it, but no, I didn't want to change, I am unwilling to give up the things I enjoy doing. This list was to long, too big to tackle, so I just shoved my thoughts about church away.

It was difficult though. I wanted to get direction. I had quit my job, my friend had died and I wanted to feel closer to her. I wanted a better understanding of what happens when we die, how the whole process works. And one particular night (July 31, 2011 to be exact) I was so overwhelmed by my lack of direction that for the first time in months I got down on my knees and 3am and prayed.

While I was down on my knees, before my prayer was even over, I kept thinking that I needed to pull out my scriptures, flip open the book to a random page, and point without looking. Very rarely have I ever felt the need to do this so strongly. So I went over to my bookshelf pulled my scriptures from high school seminary down, dusted them off, and got back on my bed. I close my eyes, flipped, and pointed. Keep in mind all the struggles and arguments that I have had with myself over the last few months. This is the verse I pointed to

Alma 29:6 - Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than
to preform the work to which I have been called

I actually laughed out loud when I read this scripture. The message could not be any clearer. If I knew the church was true, If I knew there was an eternal purpose to this life, why not live life to accomplish that purpose? That is the million dollar question. It felt like God was whispering in my ear "If you believe in me, why would you not want to do what I ask?"

You would think that after reading this I would jump right on that spiritual wagon and head for Zion. LOL. But no, that is not what happened. What did happen was a baby step, but a step non-the-less. I started reading the Book of Mormon. I wanted to focus on the doctrine and not anyone elses interpretation of the Church and I felt that was a good place to start. At the same time I was doing this I was reading Anita Sansfeild books. I had read many of them before. There is something about the way she writes, the psychology that she puts in her books, that really helped me. Around September I read a paragraph in her book that I had to write down because it so accurately described my feelings. It said;

"What you have done is committed spiritual suicide. The choice between right and wrong is overruled by the option that is least painful. It seems that claiming spiritual indifference is the least painful option, but in reality is will only prolong the misery. And the longer you put if off, the more difficult and painful the road back"

It so true. It's so hard to think about going back to church and admitting to yourself and God that you have knowingly lived in a way that you knew was not going to make you the happiest. If there is anything I have learned through personal experience it's that its best to rip that bandage off as quick as possible. lol.

That's enough for now. It is very possible I will regret writing any of this down. I am bearing my soul here and that is always a scary thing to do because you never know who's going to judge ya, but o'well. Peace